(We originally did this list when Poltergeist came out earlier this year.)
Poltergeist is out this weekend and I couldn’t be any less interested! As far as I’m concerned, if a horror remake isn’t directed by John Carpenter and doesn’t star Jeff Goldblum as a man who turns into a fly or a pod person, it’s a waste of time.
So in honor of Poltergeist becoming the latest entry in the pathetic horror remake sub-genre, I’ve compiled for you a list of what I think are the very worst of the worst! Horror remakes that are so bad that their scariest aspects are their running times! Let’s get started!
5. The Wicker Man (2006)
Starting off our list is a 2006 box office flop that would have likely been forgotten at this point had the Internet not seen fit to resurrect it through countless memes and YouTube compilations of wacky Nicolas Cage moments from the movie. Most every movie fan who has a working Internet connection is familiar with the knee-slapping lines “NOT THE BEES!”and “HOW’D IT GET BURNED?!”, and the unintentionally hilarious scenes in which Cage assaults female cult members (one while wearing a bear suit).
Sadly, this movie isn’t quite the masterpiece of unintended comedy that the Internet would have you believe it is. Don’t get me wrong, it certainly has its moments. But those who have seen the movie can tell you that they are all in the last 20 minutes and that you have to get through eighty minutes of detective work boredom as Nicolas Cage runs around an island looking for clues regarding a little girl’s disappearance. What’s strange about these scenes is that there isn’t even an attempt to frighten you. There is no unsettling atmosphere, there are no creepy performances, and there aren’t even any cheap jump scares.
Yes, a movie trying to be scary and failing can be funny (like the last twenty minutes of the movie) but a horror movie that doesn’t try at all for most of its running time is just painful.
4. The Fog (2005)
The Fog is generally considered to be one of John Carpenter’s lesser works, so remaking it admittedly makes more sense than remaking something like Halloween or his version of The Thing which don’t really have much room for improvement. Unfortunately, this remake finds a way to be much, much worse than the remakes of either of those two movies with tame PG-13 violence and awful performances from the entire cast (Maggie Grace in particular).
The movie also boasts none of Carpenter’s typically excellent cinematography or the eerie atmosphere that at least made the original watchable. It’s simply another blandly made piece of studio hackwork made to capitalize on a known property.
3. One Missed Call (2008)
This movie features a cell phone ghost. I believe I have said enough.
2. Carrie (2013)
Last year’s Carrie update is completely unnecessary like most of these entries but that’s not really the reason I ranked it so high. I placed it second because my primary reaction to this movie was annoyance due to an uncharacteristically awful Julianne Moore performance as Carrie’s abusive mother. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty other problems (for example, the bullying scenes were very silly and Chloe Moretz was woefully miscast) but compared to Moore’s shrill, painful overacting they all seem insignificant. It’s kind of like how the fridge nuking scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull probably drew your attention away from the lesser sins of the movie (casting Shia LaBeouf for example).
1. Psycho (1998)
Nothing screams “cynical cash grab” like a shot for shot remake. The top spot on this list goes to the 1998 remake of Psycho for being the single most worthless horror movie that I’ve seen in my life Coincidently, it’s the second entry in a row that stars Julianne Moore. Perhaps she should just stay away from horror movies from now on.
While it is the most competently made film we’ve discussed today (the acting and directing are perfectly adequate), Psycho fails hard due to the fact that for it is, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same as the Hitchcock classic down to shot set up and the dated “no one talks like that anymore!” dialogue. A remake failing to live up to a classic movie is understandable but a remake not even trying to in the slightest is inexcusable.
So, I turn the conversation over to you now! Do you agree with my list? Was I too hard on some of these movies? Is there a terrible horror remake that I left out that you think deserves a place on this list of shame? Leave us a comment and let us know!